|My body is not normal. no discussion.
||[Nov. 12th, 2005|12:33 am]
|||||Depeche Mode (Ultra)||]|
Hey, it's me again - frustrated as always.
Well, today was.. interesting.
You see I figured I could always ask my parents if I could borrow money for rolfing. So my mom talked to my dad - and later reported to me - that dad said he doesn't believe in "alternative" treatments. He said I should start training, go out jogging, stuff like that.. and learn to have an overall healthy lifestyle. I was like yeah, nice.. thanks alot. Like I haven't been training a shitload. Like I haven't spent a whole year learning everything about improving your posture. Like I haven't practiced Self-myofascial release.. which hurt so fuckin' bad I couldn't take it.. well actually, I stopped 'cause I didn't believe enough in it.
All I want is to look like normal, at least, HUMAN. Sometimes I think I look so deformed I can't see myself as human. Now, that's bad. And still, today - for the 15th time - my mom asked "So, I don't remember, what is your problem?.. was it scoliosis or..?" Now, it's not that she mixed up the terms.. that doesn't matter. It's that her oldest daughter had pretty severe scoliosis during her childhood. So how could mom think I have scoliosis?? (as a note, I have kyphosis and lordosis) I love my mom but.. dammit.. do you use your eyes at all? I told her, "I could show you my back right now if you want to ('cause it's easier to see the curves without clothes) but I don't think it'll tell you anything, 'cause too many people doesn't know what is considered normal and not". Ironically, that's all I wish had happened today. I wouldv'e showed her my back and she wouldv'e said "oh my god, that's fucking terrible, I have NO IDEA it was SO BAD!!" That wouldv'e been.. nice.. kinda.. =)
It wouldv'e been totally ok if dad had said no - 'cause he just didn't want to give me all that money. I mean - fine, no probs, but all that "I've done health courses and they told me that jogging is good"-stuff.. I was so sad when I heard that.
I'll try to educate him, get some rolfing resources and show him. But it's hard 'cause it's not like I can tell him that I know 100% sure that it will work. 'Cause I don't know, I'll only know that afterwards, right? The way I've understood it, Rolfing is my only hope. Sure I can keep on with my training, and perhaps, in 5 years, there's some slight change I can be happy about. But until then, I'll be in pain everytime I clean the house just 'cause my body can't take more than half an hour or so of bending up and down. After one hour of being active with lots of movment, I can barely walk for the next few hours. That's pretty rough.
Just to make sure I'm not delusional ('cause even my physical therapist said "Oh yes I can see now that your upper and lower back are slightly arched"), if anyone thinks this looks normal, please, hands up! I'd sure like to know. (Note: I do hope I don't offend anyone by saying that I don't think MY BODY looks normal. If you are offended, please kick my ass)
I wish you all a nice weekend!